Kweku's Cypher: The Grudge You Carry

How often have you served on a committee, attended an event, taken on a leadership role as an event host, done a favor, or gone to visit someone — and deep down, you hated every minute of it? You checked the clock. You counted the minutes until you could leave. That's what it looks like to carry a grudge.

A grudge isn't just resentment toward a person, which some may think. It's the hesitation, the doubt, the "I really don't want to be here" feeling that we carry into a room anyway. And here's the thing: it doesn't stay hidden.

When you do something grudgingly, it shows up in your tone, your body language, your patience — or lack of it. It touches the event, the people, and the energy around you, consciously and unconsciously.

So why do we keep saying yes to things we don't want to do?

• Fear, or FOMO. We worry about what we'll miss, or what people will think if we're not there.
• Obligation to someone else. We put other people's needs ahead of our own to avoid disappointing them.
• To keep the peace. It feels easier to go along than to speak up.
• Recognition. The pull of fame, notoriety, money, or access to certain people or rooms.
• Fear of criticism. We say yes so no one has anything to say about us.

None of these reasons are shameful — they're human. But the truth is, no matter why you do it, if your heart isn't in it, you're not fooling anyone. Not the people around you. And certainly not yourself. Energy is contagious, and so is the lack of it.

There's an old saying that God loves a cheerful giver. Most people do, too.

We can feel the difference between someone who shows up for us and someone who shows up at us.

A few strategies for protecting your peace:

1. Pause before you say yes. Ask yourself honestly: Am I doing this because I want to, or because I'm afraid of what happens if I don't?

2. Give yourself permission to decline. "No" is a complete sentence, and it can be said with kindness.

3. Check in with your body. Dread, tension, or exhaustion at the thought of something is information — listen to it.

4. Release the guilt of disappointing others. Their disappointment is not your emergency to fix.

5. Say yes to less, so you can say yes fully. A smaller list of commitments done with your whole heart serves everyone better than a long list done with resentment.

6. Protect your energy like a resource — because it is one. You cannot pour into your family, your community, or your work from an empty, resentful place.

Doing less, but doing it with your whole self, is not selfish. It's sustainable. And it's a gift — to you, and to everyone who receives your presence